Life After 30

Training for a Half Marathon (what was I thinking?!)

2010-03-02T21:45:00.000-08:00

I'm interrupting my dating stories to start worrying about running and training for an upcoming half marathon in June in San Diego. About a year ago I started signing up for triathlons and running events. Which, was actually a great thing to do. My life is ruled by my calendar (aka blackberry) so once something gets in there, it happens and gives me something to work towards. And it gave me a great workout and fitness goal.

My first triathlon was a huge endeavor - I don't think I had swum that far since the high school swim team, which was a long time ago (so long I don't even want to think about it). I also knew once I started telling people (o.k. maybe I was bragging) that I was training for a tri -- that I would have to follow through. And I did. My goal was just to finish and it was a great feeling. But 13 miles?! Really what was I thinking (I was thinking it was half as long as the full marathon which was 26). But really, the most I ever run on the treadmill is 3 miles at a time...and I never run outside. I could blame my friend Jessica - she convinced me and made it sound so fun. San Diego, great weather, lots of fun, Rock n Roll, great friends. It will be good -- but right now it just seems daunting. I love having someone to train and race with it is so much better than doing it alone.

I am currently researching running programs and training plans and trying to figure out the best way to get ready. The one thing about me is I like to research and learn about everything. Interested in doing a tri? Come see me, I have about 10 books you can borrow. I go into everything prepared and well informed, never blind. I like to know my facts and figures and what to expect. My friends may laugh -- but if you need your bike tire changed or wonder why your shoe laces keep coming untied, come to me, I'm a wealth of information. I may not come in first place or be a fast sprinter, but I do know lots of interesting helpful tips...

Wish me luck as I take my running outside and start working up to my long runs. I did the 60-Mile, Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk in November, so I'm sure I can make it 13 miles. But something about running a half marathon sounds intimidating. And I want to run a steady 10 minute mile. Back to the books I go and perhaps online to look at the really cool Garmin Forerunner I've been eyeing, because it's all about the cool gadgets (and if I'm outside my Polar heart rate monitor just isn't going to cut it anymore).

Mr. Send-Out-Cards...Adventures Before Online Dating

2010-03-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

For most of my adult life I’ve been capable of meeting potential dates all on my own. While the results haven’t always been a huge success, as I reminisce over the past few dating experiences, they do seem to be a bit more appealing than online adventures. For the most part these dates and/or relationships lasted for more than one date. And some probably longer than they should have.

Tonight my readers, I’m going to share with you the story of “Mr. Send-Out-Cards,” because this guy really did seem to have potential (I liked him). I met him at a “Meet-Up” happy hour event. He was a lot of fun, easy to talk to, personable, educated and attractive. He was from Chicago and had a degree in mechanical engineering. We hit it off – and talked all night. I found out that he left his job with an engineering firm to run his own business. He called himself an entrepreneur. He attended motivational workshops and seminars and was big on learning how to invest his money. We met up again about a week later for happy hour (my friends) and cosmic bowling (his friends) – again good times were had. Things looked promising. We progressed to an official date involving dinner and a movie.

Send-Out-Cards is an online service that businesses join to send out cards to clients – reminders, birthdays, announcements, etc. Cool concept for real estate agents, doctors, hair stylists, etc. – basically anyone with clients and customers. I didn’t have a problem with it - actually had been introduced to the product at a trade show a few years back, so I was familiar with it. But, it did seem like a big jump from the world of engineering. But I believe in finding your passion and being happy. And he seemed happy.

Let me mention that I started receiving cards after our first “date.” He took the time to send me personalized cards and even added digital photos from our various events/dates. Let me say that one of my biggest pet peeves is poor grammar and spelling. One of the things I hate the most are when people use “it’s” and “its” and “your” and “you’re” incorrectly. The cards were atrocious, gaudy and had tons of spelling errors - I got probably 4 or 5 of them. Again, this wasn’t the deal breaker. This was his business, he was showing me samples of his business and was being considerate. How often do you get a card after every date?

However, after one particular date, he asked if he could call me the next day to walk me through the “Send-Out-Card” website. I thought it was a bit strange but he said he really wanted me to see the site and understand his business. So we set up a conference call. The next day Mr. Send-Out-Cards calls me and walks me through the site and his product.

Me - “cool product. It's a great concept. Thanks for showing it to me.”

Him - “Is this a product you could see yourself using?”

Hmmmm…did this just turn into a sales call?

Me - “Are you trying to sell me your product?”

And he just keeps going.

Him - “Is this something you could use in your job?”

Me - "Like I explained to you before, I work in government, and don’t have a need to send out lots of cards each month. I don’t have clients or customers that need reminders or birthday cards."

Him - “Do you know of other businesses that could use this product? Because for a small sign-up fee, you can become an advisor and can recruit/sell the product to other businesses.”

What? Was this guy serious?

After explaining to him, again, that it would be unethical and unprofessional in my professional capacity to solicit the businesses I work with, through the city's marketing department, he finally quit pushing. He seemed genuinely surprised.

Me – “Did you really call me to sell me your product? I thought you just wanted to show me what you did.”

The answer was yes. It was then I discovered that my new friend attended “meet-up” events and other social events, motivational seminars, lectures - what have you - to solicit business. I don’t know if he was ever interested in me personally or just thought that I’d be a good connection. But after that last phone call – I just felt icky and it was a huge blow to my ego... I still get emails from him inviting me to “lead generating” meetings and they read “Your Invited” in the subject line. Drives me crazy every time.

Mr. Actually I'm Still Married...

2010-02-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

As I get older the likelihood of finding someone who has never been married or who doesn't have kids -- gets slimmer and slimmer. I'm actually okay with that - I get it and understand it. But when I sign up for an online dating site -- my assumption is that you’re free to date and aren't married. Apparently that's not always the case.

Take Mr. "I'm Still Married." His profile was normal - a dad, good job, similar interests. He was friendly in emails and moved right along to talking in person. He did this before the emailing got boring and tiresome - which I liked. Seriously how many questions can you continue to ask in emails?

He seemed normal and texted before he called. Not until text message 50, did this bug me. The phone call seemed to go fine. I should have been more concerned when he said there 2 things on my profile that worried. He needed to know how much of an athlete I really was and since I went to church if I was going to make him go with me. Warning signs maybe?

We met up for appetizers. And upon meeting found out that he had lied about his height. Now I've dated shorther men, which isn't horrible, but to say you're 5'10" and then have me towering over you, it's just not good and you have to know that I know you lied. At the restaurant he shared his entire life story -- the one thing about this date is that he was easy to talk to and seemed to like to talk about personal things. That's when I found out that he had been with a woman for 10 years, they had a 4 year daughter, but had only been married for 2 months and was in the process of getting the marriage annulled. She apparently cheated on him in Vegas. Annulled? Still married. And this all just happened in October...3 months ago. Good grief.

Let's just say from this point on he turned me off -- he seemed to be on the hunt for a new wife -- immediately. Just so everyone knows you can select "separated" on your profile if you aren't divorced yet. After sharing his story with me, he then asked me what was WRONG with me. Why was I still single? Now, I think he was trying to be funny but REALLY? Is this how you win over your dates. And I hate this question, there is nothing wrong with me so how do you answer this question? Usually my standard answer is that I haven't met the right guy yet or that I'm really picky.

Then he went on about how is ex wasn't dating anyone, because she couldn't find anyone as good as him. Really? And at one point he leaned over and tried to take my hand when he said I looked uncomfortable, hmmm... you've known me like half an hour, DON'T TOUCH ME. The date ended with him asking me out again. I really hate being put on the spot like that. And then all the texts started coming and the terms of endearment - luv, honey, and so on. If you met me online and we met in person for no more than hour, you do not know me well enough to use pet names on me.

I lucked out on this one, because apparently I didn't text or call him back fast enough. He left a message Sunday night saying I had been quiet all day (yes - I told you I had a migraine and went to bed - and I really did, those pills knock you out). Before I could do anything on Monday he had placed me in his "Not Interested" bin, which means I can't send or respond to his emails. So I really didn't have to do anything - I told him very clearly that I had no interest in dating someone that was still legally married. His situation was no different in my opinion, but according to him it was, because he was getting his marriage annulled.

Let's just say online dating has not been the happy, exciting adventure I was expecting. I'm still giving it my best shot, because I paid for 6 months and there seriously has to be some good men out there. But for right now...my expectations are kind of low.

The Not So Pretty Side Of Dating...

2010-01-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

So I had to send two not so pleasant emails this weekend. The first was to Mr. Urban Cowboy, telling him that I enjoyed meeting him but that I didn't feel we had a lot in common and that I wished him luck in his search. He kept calling and I just couldn't bear to tell him that over the phone. Next time, I'll send the email as soon as I get home. The other email went to Mr. Q&A who was sending me novella like emails...seriously they were like short stories and there were 20 questions in each email. I suppose that's how you get to know someone, but I deal with emails all day long so coming home to more of them, just isn't fun. Which may mean online dating could be the wrong medium for me.
Nonetheless, that wasn't the problem with Mr. Q&A, he's actually married. He wanted to be honest and up front with me, and told me that he was still married and going through a divorce. Apparently he'd been separated for over a year - "both emotionally and physically" and hoped that this new information didn't bother me. How am I meeting these men? I wished him luck in his search, but told him I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with a married man (standard I would hold for anyone I met). This was also going to be his 2nd divorce and I mentioned that I had never been married and didn't really have a good frame of reference for what he was going through, suggested he might want to think about dating someone who had also been divorced/married, since they might be able to better relate to what he was going through. I'm sure he was a nice guy, but really -- that's not the type of drama I need in my life.

And then my date for Friday night cancelled two hours before our date because he was worried about driving from Scottsdale to Glendale in the rain. Of course, it wasn't actually raining...he had heard it might and that worried him. Now, it did rain the night before and there were tornado warnings. But it didn't rain on Friday. I had plans on Saturday...so we haven't gotten together. So I doubt we'll make plans again. Mr. Worry Wart didn't impress me.

All in all...online dating hasn't been a real win. But there's always a new match tomorrow. I've realized I can't blame it all on the internet. I was talking with coworkers today about Mr. Send Out Cards and realized, that I can find these guys all on my own too. I'll tell you about him tomorrow.

Mr. Urban Cowboy

2010-01-19T23:00:00.000-08:00

I had my first date with a Chemistry.com match last night and there was no love connection.   I arrived about 10 minutes late, this is par for the course for me, no matter how much I plan in advance I'm always late. (so to date me is to find my perpetual tardiness endearing or at least manageable). This didn't appear to upset him, which was a good thing in my opinion and he looked very normal and distinguished - mid forties, tall, glasses, graying hair dressed casually but nice. It was only after he started talking that I began to realize that his online profile only gave me a very small glimpse into his life.

I am master small talker, so I don't have a problem carrying a conversation or keeping it going, but every once and a while I do like to talk too and I couldn't get this guy to stop talking about himself the entire night. Perhaps he was lonely or nervous.  Regardless, it was a little overwhelming the amount of information he was willing to divulge.

Let's first get to his nickname -- Mr. Urban Cowboy. Apparently he dresses up in 19th century cowboy garb and shoots replica western guns on a regular basis, this is a real sport.  This seemed a bit strange to me, but according to him it's a popular activity in the Valley and around the world. I asked what he wore -- and he told me had closets full of cowboy costumes. (Yes he said closets, not one but many). I actually had to check myself at this point and make sure I didn't laugh, because he was quite serious. I'm sure this is a perfectly respectable hobby, but I was sitting across from a 45 year old man and all I could think about was that he dresses up like a cowboy.  We talked in great length about Single Action Shooting Society. I went home and googled it and by golly, it does exist. I don't think I'll be dressing up like a cowgirl anytime soon, but it does look like quite the sport. Check it out - http://sassnet.com/.

From there the evening just got stranger -- I heard in great detail about the software he was developing for construction estimates (we even talked in detail about drop down menus), I learned that he and his mom worked together every day in the office (just the 2 of them no one else) and that he collected antique cars and books. He plans to build a barn to serve as his workshop, which sounded like a fine idea. But then he told me he needs the workshop because his guest rooms are overflowing with stuff (I'm guessing with car parts, books, cowboy costumes and guns, but I'm not really sure) and that he doesn't have any flooring in the entire house. The carpets were pulled out because of termites, and he needs to figure out what he wants to do, but first he wants to build the barn. It appears he's gone months without any flooring so what's a few more. None of these items by themselves would have seemed odd, but together it was a little much.

He told me had plans to write music lyrics because he has a friend starting a band (these are middle aged men living in different states trying to start a band). I asked if he had written music before and he said no, but that the words had come to him in the shower and that he had sung them to his friend over the phone. They were very apparently very good. He has a half written novel at home about vampires and aspires to write childrens books. I tried to steer the conversation towards general things - movies, books, his favorite TV shows, travel - but it didn't work. He doesn't have cable (which is a valid life choice), doesn't travel or go to movies or hike or camp or really do much of anything (other than SASS) because he doesn't have anyone to go with. He did make it clear he was open to doing all of these things, with the right person of course.

So needless to say I wasn't overly impressed by this cowboy.   Then as he was paying the bill (which I offered to split) he asked if I wanted to do this again sometime. (Seriously?! While you're paying for dinner and sitting across from me, you ask me this question). I really was trying to wrap up the evening, it was obvious we had nothing in common and I was exhausted from being such an active listener (I had to keep asking questions). He asked about my plans on Wednesday and then Friday...thank goodness I really have plans (date with match #2 is on Friday).   I suggested he call me, he walked me to my car and I thanked him and gave him a hug. (what's appropriate a hug or handshake here?)
I'm sure he's very nice, but we had nothing in common and the longer he talked the more eccentric he made himself sound. Too bad Chemistry.com doesn't give out "how to act on a first date" or "topics to avoid on a first date" instruction sheets. What I learned from my date with Mr. Urban Cowboy:

There are some things that you should wait until the 2nd, 3rd or 10th date to share
Conversation really works best when it's a two-way street
Don't put your date on the spot and ask them out again while you're still on the first date
When your date says what you do is not interesting and that he'd rather talk about your hike, it's not a good sign.

I think my biggest challenge in all of this, is going to be finding a polite way to tell these men I'm not interested. I prefer to avoid conflict in situations like this, which would mean not returning calls or emails - in hopes they get the message. But I'm going to have to bite the bullet (notice my pun) and find a way to communicate that I'm not interested. Which my dear readers will be a topic for a future blog.

Why a Blog...Setting the Stage

2010-01-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

So, there's lots of things I could have done - started a journal, written a novel or called a friend -- instead I decided to share my adventures in dating and love online. Why? Mainly because I thought it would be fun and interesting plus a large majority of my friends on Facebook said they liked the idea.

About me - I'm in my early 30s, I like my job, have a house, like to travel, have great friends, I'm involved in my community, have a social life and a masters degree. I'm also single with no real future prospects out there. Dating in your thirties is no cake walk. Don't get me wrong -- I believe I can have a very fulfilling life without a spouse, being single has never held me back. But I have this nagging feeling that it would be rewarding and fun to find someone to share my life with. Which brings me to my current life situation and the questions that sent me down this path: Why do I keep dating Mr. Wrong? What am I doing that keeps attracting the wrong men or the men who don't want to commit?

Those questions and some unresloved issues stemming from a rather nasty breakup brought me to my therapist. Here's the insight I received from her:

1. Dating is all about attraction.

We date and want to be with people who we consider attractive. That attraction could be based on personal appearances or the qualities and skills we like or admire in the person. Regardless, our initial draw is purely based on attraction and from there you have to determine if there is enough to make a relationship work. ( I took some comfort in knowing that I wasn't sending out signals to all the Mr. Wrongs out there, dating itself, is purely about attraction. It's what you do next that matters most.)

2. Do not stay in a relationship just to be in one or because you think it's easier than meeting someone new.

You know within 3 months if a relationship is working or has a future. If it isn't or doesn't, move on. Don't waste time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Apparently we like to try and make things work - we like to try and fix things. It's like putting a square peg in a round hole. No matter how hard we try, it's never going to be the right fit even if we find a way to squeeze that peg in there.
(This is probably my greatest weakness, I hate to fail, so I want my relationships to work. I've been known to stay in relationships too long even when they weren't going anywhere. I never thought it was because I didn't want to being alone - but because I was sure I could get Mr. Wrong to wake up and realize that I was great and that I was a super catch. And if I just did this, or said that, or took up that interest or lost that weight he would finally realize how amazing I was. I imagined things would be perfect one day...but it really never works out that way.)

3. Dating is work and it takes time, energy and commitment.

Mr. Right is not going to be standing in front of me at Starbucks or in line at the grocery store. Life isn't a fairytale and I won't find a partner just by standing around looking pretty. If you're serious about finding a life-partner, you should consider dating your second job. You have to put yourself out there - online dating, social groups, clubs, activities, church, etc. - you have to participate and join activities where you will meet people. (This was a wake up call for me, I know Prince Charming isn't going to show up at my door on a giant horse, but I had always secretly believed in the random meet or the "it will just happen" scenario. But the truth is, I can't go to work and come home every night and expect to meet someone. If my goal is to find a future partner then I have to be out there actively looking and participating in the process).

And that my readers brings us to today. I'm trying online dating ...and I will share with you these experiences and adventures over the next few weeks. I had my first dinner date with Mr. W tonight and it was interesting. But you'll have to wait until the next blog to learn more, because it's late and I have laundry to do.